The Big Leap

Why is night when all your fears, worries, and anxieties decide to attack?  I woke up at midnight after about 5 hours sleep after a 22 hour travel day and all my fears that I hadn't even acknowledged I had came avalanching down on top of me.  What had I done?  I left a safe, secure, comfortable world for this?  I left a teaching job I did well and where I was well respected.  I left a rich community of friends.  I left a beautiful home that I rebuilt from the studs up.  And for what?  To live on a rock in the middle of the fucking ocean?  Where I know no one.  Where I might not be able to afford anyplace to live?  I left my family (who will eventually follow) and my dogs...  So freaking stupid!  Or at least that is how I felt in the middle of the night.  I'd spent the previous two weeks going through every single item I owned, organized and categorized it all, cleaned, painted, fixed, caulked and who knows what else every day for 10-12 hours a day to get the house ready to go on the market.   And, in a moment of pure panic, weakness, and exhaustion, I let my fears get the better of me.  And that only ever happens at night.

The fears magically evaporated once the sun came up.  I made my self a cup of coconut Kona coffee and sat sipping and watching the waves from the lanai.  I took a couple of deep breaths and just relaxed into the moment.   And I knew, despite not having a place to live, or knowing a soul, it was all going to be okay.  I got this. I can do this.

I am sure there will be plenty more panic attacks and attacks of regret, but any great risk comes with that self doubt.  Or should!